Back to the Future

New, York, NY. In a stunning announcement Sunday, the New York Yankees took another monumental step in their new strategy of getting younger and cheaper by signing soon to be 45 year old Roger Clemens to a contract that will pay him $153,000 per day.

The Yanks brass confidently announced that the Clemens signing was just the beginning of a complete overhaul of the Bombers' roster caused by their putrid start.

Brian Cashman asserted that he was not concerned about the Rocket's age or the fact that he averaged barely five innings of work in a watered down division in an anemic National League.

"We are confident that this signing will rejuvenate Roger," the Yanks' GM stated. "And to ensure that the "rejuvenation" takes place we have set Roger up in a locker right between Jason Giambi and Jason Grimsley, whom we have also just reaquired."

The 39 year old Grimsley, another member of the 1999 World Championship Yankee team, inked a four month prorated $12 million deal. Also signed yesterday to four month prorated deals were 45 year old David Cone ($21 mil), 40 year old Mike Stanton ($15 mil), 40 year old Hideki Irabu ($13 mil) , 40 year old Jeff Nelson ($12 mil) and 36 year old Ramiro Mendoza ($375K). The group will join Clemens, Andy Petitte and Mariano Rivera in reuniting the pitching staff from the 99 championship team.

The last piece of the staff was Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez, who was acquired in a trade with the Mets for Alex Rodriguez and Robinson Cano. The Yankees agreed to pay all but the league minimum of ARod and Cano's salaries. To plug the infield holes, Cashman resigned 41 year old Scott Brosius ($11 mil) and 39 year old Chuck Knoblach ($14 mil). Both played on the 99 title team.

The entire group was announced to the Yankee Stadium crowd during the seventh inning stretch of last night's game with Texas. Crowded into George Steinbrenner's box, the group sang a chorus of "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy" as the crowd went wild. Reportedly Yankee Announcer John Sterling was forced to plunge a quivering Suzyn Waldman into an emergency ice bath to prevent her from reaching a full, on-air orgasm.

The Yanks also gave outright releases to the entire current pitching staff and will eat all their contracts. The signings will bring New York's payroll to just about $400 million.

"Who givea a f***," Cashman told reporters when this was noted. "Money doesn't mean anything to us. We have more money than God. For us, it's just all about winning, pride and self respect."

Cashman also announced that the entire roster was given the same perks as Clemens, meaning they can come and go as they please. The team met with Joe Torre and demanded that each player be given a schedule a week in advance so they can plan their trips home to spend time with their families.

"It's a little unorthodox," said the skipper. "But it's the Yankee way. They have lots of freedom and we'll play who ever decides to show up. Hopefully we'll have at least nine for most games."

Despite the changes, Cashman was adamant that the Yanks were drawing the line on allowing facial hair of any kind, "unless it is well trimmed," the GM added.

When asked why the Yankees focused so heavily on reacquiring the stars of the last century, Cashman finally admitted that responsibility for player acquisition has been temporarily taken away from him.

"Mr. Steinbrenner has taken over the day to day personnel role," Cashman admitted.

The Boss' health issues have been well documented and reportedly the Yankees' early swoon has triggered even more bizarre behavior. "It's like he has pulled a Rip Van Winkle on us," said one highly placed Yankee executive. "He's lost a whole decade. He thinks it's still 1999.

"We only care about championships around here," the confused, turtlenecked owner told astonished reporters. "We're coming off back to back championships heading into the turn of the century. With our overwhelming resources and unfair advantages there is simply no way I will tolerate going six or seven years without winning a championship. That's unacceptable."