Justice from the Baseball Gods

A hush came over the cavernous hearing room. Walled in dark mahogany, the room wreaked of formality but colorful pennants representing all teams from the beginning of baseball history hanging from the ornately carved ceiling gave the room a vestige of vitality. The immense door to the judges' chamber opened and everyone rose. Five figures majestically made their way to a row of high backed leather chairs behind a marble raised desk. They were formally robed in white and each wore a powder blue baseball cap, bill forward, with the letters "BG" stitched on the front. Once they were seated, everyone else in the courtroom then sat down.

A secretary stood and read from a scroll. "Here ye, here ye. The court of the Baseball Gods is now in session. Presiding Deity HayZeus will now announce the Gods' decision in the case against the New York Yankees."

The Baseball Gods met in monthly sessions to rule on various issues involving America's Pastime. This particular session was the most significant, taking place in March prior to the season beginning. At this session, the Gods would make decisions that would have year long effects on the teams and individuals involved.

The ruling of the court which HayZeus was about to hand down involved a suit brought against the Yankees which charged that the New Yorkers had used their overwhelmingly unfair resources to attempt to circumvent the spirit of the sport...that of true competition.

Prosecuter Fadagudov DeGame had presented a compelling case that outlined the Yankees' systemic use of money and power to try and take over the sport. DeGame methodically illustrated how the Yankees began the payroll spiral in the 70's when they signed the first big money free agent Jim "Catfish" Hunter and then Reggie Jackson and their dealings through to the present day when they conintued to overpay for mediocre talent like Jason Giambi and Bobby Abreu. He showed how by consistently outbidding everyone, they had amassed a $200 million payroll, which was as much as five times that of some teams. DeGame demanded that the Gods at long last come down hard on the Yanks.

The Yankees defense team led by Billy Martin had argued that the Yankees had done nothing wrong. He asserted that they had simply done everything within the rules to gain a legitimate advantage over their opponents. The defense also noted that despite the Yanks reckless spending, the Gods had prevented the Bombers from winning a championship since 2000 and they hadn't even won a playoff series since 2004. Wasn't that punishment enough?

They also argued that they were not alone in trying to gain an advantage through use of overwhelming resources. Rivals like the Boston Red Sox and New York Mets had also overspent, they retorted, and it was unfair for the Gods to single out the Yankees.

The defense had been presented well, and all present were in great anticipation of what the Gods would finally decide. Everyone held their breath as HayZeus leaned forward into the microphone to deliver the ruling of the august body.

"We were impressed with the level of defense that the Yankees put forth in this case," HayZeus began. "However, the prepoderance of evidence is simply too great. We feel that the Yankees have clearly crossed the line. As for their arguments regarding the Red Sox and Mets...well, we took care of the Sox last August as you may recall and we dealth with the Mets in the 2006 posteason. Their frustrating loss to the mediocre Cardinals was not fate. It was us.

"But the question before the court today involves the Yankees. And our decision is unanimous," HayZeus intoned.

"On the charge of gross overspending and perverting the competitive spirit of the game we find the New York Yankees.....guilty as charged."

The crowd erupted in a cacophonous hubbub and HayZeus banged his gavel loudly to quiet the crowd and restore order. Fadagudov DeGame leaned back in his chair at the prosecution table and smiled. The veins in Martin's neck throbbed.

HayZeus continued. "And now we are ready for sentencing."

The Deity unrolled another piece of parchment and began to read from it. "The Yankees will suffer the punishment for their crimes in 2007. The following will befall them this season:

"Early in the year, the Yankees will suffer a series of debilitating injuries, especially to their pitching staff. Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina will be struck with hamstring injuries and be placed on the DL early in the season. Carl Pavano will have a few starts and then will not pitch again this year. Jeff Karstens will have his leg broken by...and this represents treble damages...Julio Lugo of the Red Sox. Phil Hughes will show some promise before he too will be struck down with an injury. Darrel Rasner will suffer a broken finger."

"Finally, the Yankees will overpay Roger Clemens who in "Joe Hardy-like fashion, will show his age become an average five inning starter. This will cause the Yankees to roll out 11 rookies as starting pitchers which in turn will then force Joe Torre to overuse and burn out his bullpen. "

"As for position players, Hideki Matsui will also go on the DL and Johnny Damon will start to break down. His back, legs and ribs will continue to deteriorate. Bobby Abreu will eventually revert to the non-entity he became in Philly. Giambi will also continue to suffer leg injuries and ultimately be unmasked as the steroid abuser he is. This will force Torre to use light hitting, big talking Doug Mientkiewicz and Josh Phelps at first base. Eventually, Mientkiewicz will nearly get his head taken off by Mike Lowell, suffer a broken jaw and be lost for months.

"Arod will have a great April but will come crashing to earth in May. Most importantly, we are going to pull the heart right out of the Yankees. Brian Cashman actually helped us with that one by trading Gary Sheffield. But by the end of June the Yankees will become a listless bunch, looking old and tired. We will then let things take their natural course from there."

"We have spoken," HayZeus concluded. He then rapped his gavel sharply.

Martin flew into a rage, tossing chairs across the room and trying to get at the Gods before being restrained by the court officers. The large crowd of disgruntled Yankee fans filed out of the courtroom mumbling about how unfair the ruling of the Baseball Gods was. However, by the time most of them had reached the front door, they had discarded their Yankee caps and had donned their Mets hats.

As the large door to the chamber began to close, the voice of the secretary could be heard intoning: "Next up for the Baseball Gods, the case against Barry Bonds...."