The Search for Testicles - A Greek Tragedy
The trials and tribulations of the Boston Red Sox over the years have been likened to a Greek tragedy. Everyone thought the 2004 season ended that long running drama. Unfortunately, it looks like a new production has opened on Broadway this week with the the debut of "The Search for Testicles - The Story of the 2007 Red Sox."
The Red Sox came into New York with no pressure, having beaten up on the lesser lights in Chicago and Tampa Bay. They strolled in with an eight game lead with the idea that if they performed like a true champion, they could put an end to the Yankees and the AL East Race.
This was the week they would make a statement about what kind of team they were.
Well they made it. Of course it wasn't much of one. It was more like a whimper. And if you could hear it over the roar of the obnoxious New Yawk fans, the very high pitched voice said: "We are ball-less."
Of course, what would you expect from this souless bunch of human irrelevant statistics? Take your OBP, your soft .260 averages (hello there JD Drew) and all the other Jamesian numbers and they don't mean anything when the team rolls over like a beached whale the way the Sox have in ther first two games against the Bombers. Perhaps the more relevant statistic should be Sack Capacity (.000), Spine length (0' 0"), and Heart Size (o lbs 0 oz).
This is what you get when you eliminate all the players that have any will or ability to play tough baseball. Who is here to take the place of Johnny Damon who despite being banged up has managed to win the first game on a two run homer, knock in two more runs in game two and work both Dice-K and Josh Beckett during every at bat? Who is here to be the O-Cab spark? That's right, we couldn't sign him because of some whisperered "off field" issues. Who is even here to take the place of Kevin Millar, Trot Nixon, Bill Mueller, Pedro and even Derek Lowe who showed real gonads when everything was on the line.
The answer? No one.
Let's start with the vaunted Sox starting pitching, their big "advantage" over the Yanks. Dice K goes out and wets his knickers in the first inning to put his club down 2-0. Then he gives up home runs to Jeter and Damon (there's that name again) to lose the first game.
No big deal. So we drop the first game. We have the "Ace" going in Game Two. So what does Mr. Beckett come up with? (By the way, have you heard that Beckett can pitch in the big games because he beat New York in Yankee Stadium in the 2003 World Series?). So the big Texan proceeds to throw 400 pitches in the first two innings and gives up three runs with two outs on hits by ninth hitter Melky Cabrera (hey, he's no J D Drew but the Yanks like him) and Damon (Gee that names does keep popping up in BIG GAMES doesn't it?). Beckett also makes a throwing error, fails to cover first on a grounder and misplays a dribbler in front of the plate. Maybe he only comes up big in the World Series.
The most ironic statement came from Jerry Remy in the seventh when he was describing what a "gutsy" performance Beckett was giving. The words weren't even out of his mouth when ARod deposited the game winning homer into the bleachers. Oh by the way, that was the THIRTEENTH hit given up by Mr. Gutsy. (Hey did you hear that Beckett beat the Yankees to clinch the World Series in 2003 so he is not afraid to go in the big games?)
Of course it's hard to blame the pitching. Every Sox hurler knows that if they give up three runs the jig is just about up. Once an opponent amasses THAT many runs, well, it's just insurmountable.
Which brings us to the Popgun Patrol a.k.a the Sox offense. Stepping into the roiling caldron with NO PRESSURE, they promptly make the New York Chapter of the AARP (the Yankee starters) look like a combination of Cy Young, Walter Johnson and Roger Clemens.
On that's, right. That WAS Roger Clemens. It's a good thing WE didn't need Roger and he's washed up. Someone forgot to tell the Sox lineup that everyone has been working him deep in counts and beating up on him. Not us. Our superb .240 leadoff hitter lines out and grounds out twice in his first three at bats and sees a grand total of seven pitches. $36 million doesn't buy what it used to, as they say. Meanwhile, the Yankeess' leadoff hitter (Guess Who Johnny D?) sees five pitches in his FIRST at bat against Beckett.
The Sox then go hitless for six innings against the aging Rocket, who Mr. 38 Pitches announced that we don't need. Of course the Sox do make it close, "exploding" for a total of four hits, one of them a Kevin Youkilis homer. To no avail. That would be the extent of the offense. What can you do? You can't play the White Sox every day.
Boy I feel good now knowing that our great staff is so much better than the Yankee pitching. That "horrible" New York staff looks awful doesn't it? How can it possible stand up down the stretch. Heck, we racked that pitching for six runs and 11 hits in two games. We showed them.
So this was the the big playoff preview. The big test. If so, the Sox have flunked. Again. Just as they have all year when they face good teams. If this is the playoff preview, it's probably better that we find out now that this club is not ready for prime time. Amazingly, they will still probably win the division, thanks to a series of impressive beatings they will administer to the Devil Rays and Orioles.
But unfortunately fans, once the playoffs start, Baltimore won't be coming through that door. Tampa Bay will not be coming through that door. The White Sox will not be coming through that door.
No, it will be Seattle (Sox record against: 4-5). Los Angeles (6-4), Detroit (3-4), Yankees (7-8) or the Indians (5-2 Yea. Hope we play Cleveland!)
Now the only thing standing between an embarrassing three game sweep and Boston Massacre III is the Big Schill on Thursday. And I feel good about that. Schilling has demonstrated without question that he has heart and guts. Say what you will about him, he is a warrior, like the 45 year old in pinstripes who mesmerized the hapless Sox tonight. If Schill doesn't come up big tomorrow afternoon, it means he truly is at the end of the road. Unfortunately, he is going to have to pitch another near no hitter like he did in Oakland and hope for a 1-0 or 2-1 win since we can be sure the whiffle ball bats will be out in force again for the home town team.
So this reminds me of the time I was golfing and spraying balls everywhere and cursing and banging clubs. My buddy turned to me and said, "Hey don't get upset. You're not that good."
That's also good advice for following this Red Sox team. They're just not that good.