The Search for Testicles - A Greek Tragedy

The trials and tribulations of the Boston Red Sox over the years have been likened to a Greek tragedy. Everyone thought the 2004 season ended that long running drama. Unfortunately, it looks like a new production has opened on Broadway this week with the the debut of "The Search for Testicles - The Story of the 2007 Red Sox."

The Red Sox came into New York with no pressure, having beaten up on the lesser lights in Chicago and Tampa Bay. They strolled in with an eight game lead with the idea that if they performed like a true champion, they could put an end to the Yankees and the AL East Race.

This was the week they would make a statement about what kind of team they were.

Well they made it. Of course it wasn't much of one. It was more like a whimper. And if you could hear it over the roar of the obnoxious New Yawk fans, the very high pitched voice said: "We are ball-less."

Of course, what would you expect from this souless bunch of human irrelevant statistics? Take your OBP, your soft .260 averages (hello there JD Drew) and all the other Jamesian numbers and they don't mean anything when the team rolls over like a beached whale the way the Sox have in ther first two games against the Bombers. Perhaps the more relevant statistic should be Sack Capacity (.000), Spine length (0' 0"), and Heart Size (o lbs 0 oz).

This is what you get when you eliminate all the players that have any will or ability to play tough baseball. Who is here to take the place of Johnny Damon who despite being banged up has managed to win the first game on a two run homer, knock in two more runs in game two and work both Dice-K and Josh Beckett during every at bat? Who is here to be the O-Cab spark? That's right, we couldn't sign him because of some whisperered "off field" issues. Who is even here to take the place of Kevin Millar, Trot Nixon, Bill Mueller, Pedro and even Derek Lowe who showed real gonads when everything was on the line.

The answer? No one.

Let's start with the vaunted Sox starting pitching, their big "advantage" over the Yanks. Dice K goes out and wets his knickers in the first inning to put his club down 2-0. Then he gives up home runs to Jeter and Damon (there's that name again) to lose the first game.

No big deal. So we drop the first game. We have the "Ace" going in Game Two. So what does Mr. Beckett come up with? (By the way, have you heard that Beckett can pitch in the big games because he beat New York in Yankee Stadium in the 2003 World Series?). So the big Texan proceeds to throw 400 pitches in the first two innings and gives up three runs with two outs on hits by ninth hitter Melky Cabrera (hey, he's no J D Drew but the Yanks like him) and Damon (Gee that names does keep popping up in BIG GAMES doesn't it?). Beckett also makes a throwing error, fails to cover first on a grounder and misplays a dribbler in front of the plate. Maybe he only comes up big in the World Series.

The most ironic statement came from Jerry Remy in the seventh when he was describing what a "gutsy" performance Beckett was giving. The words weren't even out of his mouth when ARod deposited the game winning homer into the bleachers. Oh by the way, that was the THIRTEENTH hit given up by Mr. Gutsy. (Hey did you hear that Beckett beat the Yankees to clinch the World Series in 2003 so he is not afraid to go in the big games?)

Of course it's hard to blame the pitching. Every Sox hurler knows that if they give up three runs the jig is just about up. Once an opponent amasses THAT many runs, well, it's just insurmountable.

Which brings us to the Popgun Patrol a.k.a the Sox offense. Stepping into the roiling caldron with NO PRESSURE, they promptly make the New York Chapter of the AARP (the Yankee starters) look like a combination of Cy Young, Walter Johnson and Roger Clemens.

On that's, right. That WAS Roger Clemens. It's a good thing WE didn't need Roger and he's washed up. Someone forgot to tell the Sox lineup that everyone has been working him deep in counts and beating up on him. Not us. Our superb .240 leadoff hitter lines out and grounds out twice in his first three at bats and sees a grand total of seven pitches. $36 million doesn't buy what it used to, as they say. Meanwhile, the Yankeess' leadoff hitter (Guess Who Johnny D?) sees five pitches in his FIRST at bat against Beckett.

The Sox then go hitless for six innings against the aging Rocket, who Mr. 38 Pitches announced that we don't need. Of course the Sox do make it close, "exploding" for a total of four hits, one of them a Kevin Youkilis homer. To no avail. That would be the extent of the offense. What can you do? You can't play the White Sox every day.

Boy I feel good now knowing that our great staff is so much better than the Yankee pitching. That "horrible" New York staff looks awful doesn't it? How can it possible stand up down the stretch. Heck, we racked that pitching for six runs and 11 hits in two games. We showed them.

So this was the the big playoff preview. The big test. If so, the Sox have flunked. Again. Just as they have all year when they face good teams. If this is the playoff preview, it's probably better that we find out now that this club is not ready for prime time. Amazingly, they will still probably win the division, thanks to a series of impressive beatings they will administer to the Devil Rays and Orioles.

But unfortunately fans, once the playoffs start, Baltimore won't be coming through that door. Tampa Bay will not be coming through that door. The White Sox will not be coming through that door.

No, it will be Seattle (Sox record against: 4-5). Los Angeles (6-4), Detroit (3-4), Yankees (7-8) or the Indians (5-2 Yea. Hope we play Cleveland!)

Now the only thing standing between an embarrassing three game sweep and Boston Massacre III is the Big Schill on Thursday. And I feel good about that. Schilling has demonstrated without question that he has heart and guts. Say what you will about him, he is a warrior, like the 45 year old in pinstripes who mesmerized the hapless Sox tonight. If Schill doesn't come up big tomorrow afternoon, it means he truly is at the end of the road. Unfortunately, he is going to have to pitch another near no hitter like he did in Oakland and hope for a 1-0 or 2-1 win since we can be sure the whiffle ball bats will be out in force again for the home town team.

So this reminds me of the time I was golfing and spraying balls everywhere and cursing and banging clubs. My buddy turned to me and said, "Hey don't get upset. You're not that good."

That's also good advice for following this Red Sox team. They're just not that good.

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All Quiet on the Western Front

It's that time of year, friends. We are less than twenty-four hours away from our first heaping helping of Yankees/Red Sox fall baseball, where playoff implications seem to hang on every pitch.

The Red Sox are up eight games with thirty-one to play, six of those thirty-one against the suddenly downtrodden Bombers. While the Red Sox joined me in the Big Apple this evening, the Yankees were badly bullied in Detroit, losing by over two touchdowns and sadly acknowledging that its time to euthanize the Moose. On Tuesday night, the Pinstripes will take the field fatigued from their beating and lower than they've been in months; the Olde Towne Team, on the other hand, are hitting their playoff stride at just the right time and have the pitching right now to give the '27 Yanks a tough series.

Pedro wanted us to dig up The Babe so he could drill him on the ass; however much I miss Petey's ownership of both the inside half of the plate and the title of "World's Most Intimidating 165-Pound Man," I think this group of Sox hurlers would prefer to paint the corners with the old masters of Old New York.

But sad news, Bronx denizens. Babe Ruth is not walking through that door, fans. Lou Gehrig is not walking through that door, and Waite Hoyt is not walking through that door. And if you expect them to walk through that door, they're going to be gray and old. And dead.

We get to see a group of Yankees who are watching their fan base flee for their New York Football Giants paraphernalia. True Red Sox fans are used to existing in an abusive relationship and can never really pull themselves away from the team until the final out, but Yanks fans are accustomed to winning. They don't like being eight games back, and each passing day renders their cry of "1978!" as irrelevant as "1918!"

And I think, if the Red Sox can do the right thing over the next couple of days, the fans will revolt. Pay close attention to the games over the next several nights; I'm willing to bet that the first crucial error or squandered opportunity will bring out the boo birds in the Bronx. Very few of these current Yankees have proven they can succeed when the pressure is on, and those that have are getting older by the day. Time is running out.

So let's go, Red Sox. Hammer more nails into that pinstriped coffin and put this season to bed. The time to strike is now.

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Do these Sox have the Killer Instinct?

The surging Sox have shaken out of their doldrums in the past week and appear to have broken out of their maddening mediocre three month run. They will go into New York for a crucial series with at least a 7 game lead. They have their foot on the throat of the Bombers and have a golden opportunity to finally choke the life out of a New York team that has refused to die. The question is, do the Sox have what it takes to finish the deal? Do they have the killer instinct to put this out of reach right now enroute to ending the ten year division title run of the Yankees?

The Sox have finished second to the Yankees nine of the last ten years and each year, they have played a crucial series with New York around this time of the season. The results have been not been good.

We all know the sad tale of the injury ravaged 2006 Sox. They were one and a half games back of the Yankees in mid-August heading into a five game series that would come to be known as Boston Massacre II. In a putrid display of baseball, the Sox coughed up all five games by a combined 49-26 count, and by the time the Yanks left town they enjoyed a 6 1/2 game lead and never looked back. The Sox went 18-25 down the stretch to finish in third place.

In 2005, the situation was eerily similar to this year. The Sox led the Yanks by four games heading into New York on September 10. The Sox lost the first game 8-4, took the middle game 9-2 and lost the rubber game 1-0. They left town up 3 games but proceeded to finish the year 13-10 while the Yanks finished a strong 17-6 to gain a division tie. They won the division on the strength of their head to head results with the Sox.

In 2004, the Sox headed into New York in mid-September 3 1/2 back. They took the first game 3-2, but got hammered in the next two 14-4 and 11-1. They left Gotham down 4 1/2 games and could never catch the Yanks from there. They finished 10-7, three games out of first place.

In 2003, the Sox were again 3 1/2 out on September 5 when they started a three game set in New York. This time they won the first two games 9-3 and 11-0 to cut the lead to 1 1/2, but dropped the finale 3-1 to leave town 2 1/2 down. They played 14-9 down the stretch while the Yankees went 17-7 and the Sox finished 6 games out of first.

In 2002, the Sox went into New York on Sept 3 trailing the Yankees by 6 1/2 games. If they were to make a move, this would be the time. They won the first game 8-4 to cut the lead to 5 1/2, but dropped the next two 4-2 and 3-1. They went 16-11 from there but the Yanks again finished strong at 19-6 to win the division by 10 1/2 games.

So if history is a guide, chances are one team will win two out of three this week. A sweep is unlikely either way. If the Yankees take the series, they will cut the lead to 6 or 7 and will still be breathing. If the Sox can take two, they will leave the Big Apple with an 8 or 9 game lead with 28 to play and will be one giant step closer to driving a stake through this vampire-like Yankee team.

The question to be answered: Is this the Red Sox team that came out of the gate like world beaters? The team we have seen in the past week? Or is it the meandering bunch that inhabilited Fenway for the better part of three months. They can make a definitive statement about what kind of team they really are this week.

Which will it be?

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A look into the past...

With the rainout tonight, I thought it would be fun to poke through some fun old newspaper columns I found while cleaning out the Condardo family attic this weekend...

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BOSTON, August 19 1955 - With wins in five of their last six games, the Boston Red Sox have secured their First Division standing and now rest only three and one-half games behind the American League leading New York Yankees. The Sox, riding the golden arm and 2.91 ERA of 25-year old Frank Sullivan and being led by the Splendid Splinter himself in the batters box, are in a position to make their postseason dreams become a reality for the first time since 1946.

Though optimism has been flowing freely throughout the Hub, not all denizens of the Red Sox universe are as high on the teams' future. A precocious two-year-old named Tommy Boston, despite having just learned to speak in the past six months, told our reporter today that "Sullivan is a never-was" and "Williams is a washed-up hack who went to Korea to run from left-handed pitching," and sincerely believes that Sox decision-maker Pinky Higgins "is leading this team straight to the bottom of the league." What a precocious little tyke!

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BOSTON, August 13, 1967 - With today's 3-2 loss at the hands of the California Angels, the Boston Red Sox have dropped 8 of their last 11 and find themselves in sole possession of fifth place in the American League.

Although the fervor surrounding these "Impossible Dream" Red Sox has instilled Hub residents with a home town pride not seen in these parts since the days of Smokey Joe Wood, not all the fans have been sold. Local high-schooler Thomas Boston informed our man-on-the-street that he believes this is "so typical" of this ballclub of "overpaid underachievers."

"This team is a joke," the boy continued. "Hey Yaz, why don't you put out that cigarette and try to get a hit in the clutch for a change? Its been happening all year and I'm sick of it. Look at yesterday's game - Sox down by 3 in the eighth with runners on 2nd and 3rd with two outs, and 'The Captain' grounds out to the second baseman. Disgraceful. When do the Bruins start?"

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BOSTON, August 14, 1975 - Tonight's 5-3 defeat at the hands of the California Angels has shrunk the Sox division lead to five and one-half games, and some northeastern baseball fans are finding that seperation a little too close for comfort.

"This team just isn't good enough to get it done," said local newspaper reporter T. I. Boston of the team that has been in first place since June. "Who is going to take responsibility for this abomination? Someone needs to answer for the production we're getting out of the left side of the infield; Petrocelli is hitting .239, and Burleson is at .252. Most years that would be okay, but with the corpse of Carl Yastrzemski hitting .269 on the other side of the diamond, we need as much production as we can muster.

And guess what, sports fans: Luis Tiant is toast. Anybody expecting anything from him other than his 4.02 ERA is going to be sorely disappointed. But hey, he has a nice mustache and a funny delivery, so let's give him a free pass. I'm nauseous."

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BOSTON, August 29, 1986 - With post-season optimism waning in the wake of the Red Sox losing 5 of their last 6 games to trim the division lead to 3.5, local Sox fan Tom I. Boston may best capture the sentiments of the naysayers when he referred to the local nine as "a pack of choking [expletive deleted] dogs." When asked to expand on this comment, Mr. Boston shrugged, shook his head, and walked away. A remarkably intelligent and good looking three-year-old boy at Mr. Boston's side was heard to be babbling something about "oh-bee-pee" as the pair walked away.

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BOSTON, August 21, 2007 - With tonight's 8-6 win in Tampa Bay, the Red Sox have stretched their division lead to a tidy 6 games on the eve of September baseball. Though a cautious optimism has pervaded Red Sox Nation at this late junction in the season, not all is quiet on the home front. Long-time Red Sox fan Tom In Boston was heard to imply today that general manager Theo Epstein has made enough poor decisions during his five years at the helm of the ballclub to warrant execution.

"Say what you will, but he's going to have to answer for Drew and Lugo!" Boston said of Epstein, who has watched the Red Sox run off an embarrasing 450-325 record during his tenure, puncuated with only three playoff appearances and one World Championship in four opportunities. "And Gagne too!" Mr. Boston added, neglecting to mention the appalling 3/$30m contract extension struck with Josh Beckett last summer, the perpetual $4m/season contract with Tim Wakefield, the 3/$15.5m Coco Crisp deal, or the 2/$2.5m Okajima agreement.

Also not mentioned were the contracts of Papelbon, Youkilis, Lester, Buchholz, Delcarmen, Ellsbury, or Pedroia, all of whom make less than half a million dollars this season as products of the Epstein-built farm system.

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Strictly Business

Theo Epstein continues to be haunted by the colossal $106 million blunder known as the J. D. Drew and Julio Lugo signings. If this pair of disappointments doesn't make a dramatic turnaround down the stretch, the following scene could be playing out in the Red Sox offices following the season.

Theo Epstein sat in the darkened office, his tie loosely hanging around his neck, his hair disheveled. He picked up the black rotary phone and began dialing. Slowly, quietly, the door to the room creaked open.

Moving deliberately into the room was Larry Lucchino, face devoid of emotion half hidden in the shadows. He wore a dark, pinstriped suit with matching vest, white shirt and a gray and black striped tied. A gray bowler hat with a black headband sat atop his head. Three menacing assistants crept in behind him.

Epstein turned from the phone, looked up into the passionless face of Lucchino, concern quickly spreading across his features. Lucchino paused and stared down at Epstein.

"You have to answer for Drew and Lugo, Theo," Lucchino intoned dispassionately.

Theo stared back, a look of horror taking hold. He got up and approached Lucchino. "Larry, you got it all wrong."

"You fingered Drew in the Dice K deal and you've always had a man-crush on Lugo for no apparent reason," Lucchino said cutting him off and moving closer toward Theo. "Ahh, that little farce you played with Boras to delay the Drew signing to make it look like we were covered. You think that could fool a Lucchino?"

The two men stood toe to toe now, Lucchino looking up into the taller, younger Theo's face.

"Larry, I'm innocent" Theo responded plaintively as one of Lucchino's assistants moved behind him. "I swear on all the kids in the minor league system."

Lucchino smirked and nodded, unconvinced. "Sit down," Lucchino said, pointing back at the couch.

Theo quickly sat down. Lucchino moved to the desk and took the chair from behind it. He lifted it and placed it next to Theo, who hunched on the couch, sweaty hands resting on his knees. Lucchino sat down, leaned toward Theo and stared at him once more.

"I've sold Drew back to the Dodgers, I've traded Lugo and I've barred Boras from these offices," Lucchino said menacingly. Theo started to sob, bringing his hand up to his face in shock. "Today I settled all Red Sox family business, so don't tell me you're innocent, Theo. Admit what you did."

Theo began crying harder now, his hand covering his face. Lucchino nodded toward the bar and said to one of his assistants. "Get him a drink."

Lucchino shifted and put his arm around Theo. He patted him softly on the back. "C'mon," he said. "Don't be afraid, Theo. C'mon. You think I would break John Henry's heart? I've been with you a long time, Theo. I brought you here from San Diego. I got you started in this business."

The assistant handed Theo the small glass of wine. Sobbing uncontrollably now, Theo took it.

"Go ahead," said Lucchino. "Drink. Drink. "

He took Theo's arm with the glass and lifted it to Epstein's lips. Theo took a long sip and put the glass down.

"No, Theo, you're out of the major league business," Lucchino said to Epstein as he continued to stair at the floor. "That's your punishment. You're finished. I'm putting you on a plane to Lancaster, California. You're going to be running the single A JetHawks."

He reached back and took an envelope from one of his assistants and handed it to Theo who took it and stared at it.

"I want you to stay there. Understand?" Lucchino said. Theo nodded quietly. "Only don't tell me you're innocent," he said evenly. "Because it insults my intelligence. It makes me very angry."

"Now who approached you," Lucchino asked. "Bill James or Allard Baird?"

Theo continued to stare at the floor. Slowly he raised his head. He cast his eyes down again, unable to meet Lucchino's hard gaze. He looked nervously over his shoulder at the assistants. He then turned to Lucchino.

"It was Bill James," Theo said finally, nodding his head.

The two men stared at each other for a long moment.

"Good," Lucchino said finally, barely audible. He took the glass from Theo and placed it on the table. He stood up, picked up the chair. "There's a car waiting for you outside to take you to the airport," he said placing the chair back under the desk. "I'll call your staff and tell them what flight you're on." He then stood facing Theo.

Epstein stood and made a conciliatory move toward Lucchino. "Larry, I..."

"Get out of my sight," Lucchino shot back, stopping him in his tracks.

Theo turned and walked back toward the door. One of the assistants met him and helped him into his coat. Theo took one last look at Lucchino and turned to go.

Outside, another assistant was placing Theo's luggage into the trunk of a limo. Slamming the trunk shut, the assistant moved to the side of the car and opened the front passenger door for Theo. As the assistant watched Epstein get into the car, a knowing smirk came over his face.

As he settled into his seat, Theo heard a voice from the back of the car.

"Hello, Theo." It was the distinct voice of Dr. Charles Steinberg, Lucchino's right hand man.

Lucchino had moved out of the office into the driveway and watched as the scene played out.

Moving quickly, Steinberg lunged from the back seat, put his hands over Theo's head and violently presented him with a pink slip, terminating his employment.

Theo gagged at this unexpected attack. He grabbed his own throat and began screaming, choking on his emotions. As the limo pulled away, Theo reared back in his seat and began kicking. As he kicked and squirmed, the glass of the front windshield shattered as Theo's feet burst through it. Then he sat silently. All emotion gone.

Lucchino, observing this final act stood silently. When it was over he began to walk slowly down through the parking lot, silent except for the crunch of his shoes across the pavement. He then moved away from the building, his assistants trailing behind.

Somewhere in the distance, a baleful trumpet solo played out ominously.

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This Week In Baseball

The lead is down to four with thirty-eight games remaining on the schedule. And although every one of these games will be critical to the season's final outcome, the next eleven days present an interesting series of challenges that could very well swing the East one way or the other.

For the next eight days, the Red Sox and the Yankees will be taking their respective shows on the road. The Sox have three in Tampa Bay (47-76) followed by four in Chicago (54-69); the Yankees draw three in Anaheim(72-51) and four in Detroit(67-57). On the ninth day, the Sox and the Pinstripes will meet up in the Bronx for a three-game set that will jump start the home stretch of the 2007 campaign.

And quite frankly, if the Sox haven't put this thing to bed by then, I'm not sure its going to happen.

After next week's showdown in the Bronx, the remainder of the Sox schedule features Baltimore seven times (3 home/4 away), Toronto six times (3/3), Tampa Bay six times (3/3), Minnesota four times (home), New York three times (home), and Oakland twice (home). The Yankees draw seven games with Toronto (4/3), six with Tampa Bay (3/3), six with Baltimore (3/3), three with Seattle (home), three with Kansas City (away), and three with Boston (away).

So where are the differences in this final month? The Sox will have an extra game at Baltimore (57-65) while the Yankees host the Blue Jays an extra night (63-60). Both face Tampa Bay six times. The Sox get four home games against the Twins (62-61) and two with Oakland (61-64) while the Yanks host Seattle for three (69-52) and pick up three wins in Kansas City (55-68). And of course, the two teams will share a three game set at the lyric little bandbox in Kenmore Square.

(Incidentally, I just realized the Royals are actually a game ahead of the White Sox right now. Ozzie Guillen should be proud. Who's a choker now, Ozzie?)

What does all this analysis mean? The two teams have a fairly even September, and it is an easy September at that. I expect both ballclubs to be causing some major structural damage throughout the league during this home stretch, and I would be stunned to see either suffer a losing streak of any length.

The fall schedule makes this next week even more important. This is the only time the Sox will have a distinct advantage in the schedule, and any games picked up here would be wonderfully accentuated by swiping two of three in the Bronx. If the glass tips in the other direction however, and the Yankees manage to pick up a game before next Tuesday, and then they have a good couple of nights playing at home...

Let's hope it doesn't get that far.

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